Release me, Lord

Ever faced that someone that you love the most, hates you?

Life afterall is cruel in a way. I have said 'Live life abundantly', 'Life is beautiful', 'Declare beauty again'.... and more, but today, I feel like that I am standing at a stage where life is telling me that I am useless.

I put the blame on me. If I could, I just wanted to vanish from this world, but that would be very coward thought. You could ask me whether I have tried to change the situation. I did try, but I couldn't continue. I could never think of another girl except her. But why is this happening if this is impossible? Why this agony?

But forget about all these. Can't I just move forward? Why holding me to her?

Everything You do upon me Lord is good. That is what i am trying to believe without doubt. I know it is true but I am just an ordinary person. Release me from this pain.

I am Not Good as a Friend

When I was in Form Six, I was one of the leaders that lead the most of Form Sixers. I was then the President of Science and Maths Society. All of us were great friends and we did activities together most of the time. And as usual, I have always been the ‘thorn among the roses’. At sometime in the middle of the term, I proposed to joint-venture with the Rotary Club to do fund raise for both clubs and gave this task to a friend. But at the end, she couldn’t do her task, so I took over the project at the last minute though my members were against it, and finished the task. From that day onwards, many of the committee members and members, including the Vice President, have resigned their positions with no confidence vote against me. What hurt me the most is the friendship that I have spoiled. Most of them were not very friendly to me after this incident.

Again, in the college, some friends and I revived the Catholic Students Society (CSS) during the 11th INTIMA term. It was progressively getting bigger though we hardly have music during our gatherings. I met a lot of friends, and three of them became my personal great friends. I see them as the ‘Three Pillars of CSS Foundation’. Many of the members became my good friends, and we sometimes hung out together. But, again I screwed up the whole thing when I told somebody that I like that person. Definitely she freaked out, but I never thought that this could spoil the progressive bond among CSS members. Many of my friends then lost the family being in join CSS, since I was still there on the ‘chair’.

A few days ago, one of my friends opened his thought and commented on my behaviour that he kept for a long time in my guess. Though it was hurting, it was true in the sense of how my friend have been looking at me all this while. Once again, I feel that I should be ashamed on myself for not being a good friend.

Whoever might be right or wrong here but the point is I still hurting some people that I call them as friends. If just …

Life is too Beautiful to Regret

After yesterday, I was thinking whether to tell her that I still like her, or not to tell her. I have told her once but it was not a "Yes" as an answer and moreover it was not a good approach either. This time, I had a thought, "Why not I try it again?". Well. If I could persuade her to say, "Yes", than I would be very happy.

But again, part of me says, "No" to this. I clearly understand that I am unworthy for her. Even if she says, "Yes", I would still agree that I am unworthy for her. She deserves, she definitely deserves a far far far better person than me.

The moments I could see her, talk to her, hear her laughter, be with her and say "Kau Ilhamku" within me, I am and I will treasure them. I am confident that because of my love, my prayer, my good deeds and my sacrifice, God will bless her with good life.

All that I am looking forward from this for myself is that I never regret this, one day. Life is too beautiful to regret whatever I am doing.

Declare Beauty Again

Show Me the Light

Everyday I wish you would be by my side...When I am tired..When I am happy...When I am sad..When I walk alone...When I am asleep..I wish I could talk to you during these moments...Embrace you within my arms..
But everytime I wish you were there, I wish that my heart could give you up...I wish that I could stop this hopeless dream...
I know that you are out of my reach...You are an angel...I am unworthy...
Lord..Everytime when I come before you, I would pray for an answer...Why am I trapped with this situation?...What is your plan for me from this?...I am still walking in dark, Lord...Please draw me out from this darkness...

If just life is so simple

The story of why I went to study in college was never been told to anybody. No one knows the real reason. Even my parents.

After my STPM. Well I did Form Six last time and I was really playful. Getting into Form Six Science stream is not easy, and I wasted the opportunity. Before I entered the school for my Sixth Form studies, I expected the Form Six life would be full of discovering things practically, getting involved in club activities, and leading the lower form students in exploring the wonder of young age, but it was not how I thought it should be. All I saw was students with books, books, and books. Nothing else. Even the teachers were having the same believes. It was all about getting As so that they can enter the Public Universities. I totally hated to study. I tried to enjoy the school environment and forgetting about studies. That was the time, I got interest in doing chemistry lab practice, the bisecting of mice and insects collection for biology subject, the schools events like Canteen Day, Teachers Day and lots more. I also had a relationship with a girl. Buying a bouquet of roses for her birthday, ordered an ice-cream fruit jelly cake, so that we could celebrate the day together. So, all these dreams when 'poof' one day when I realized that STPM is coming. I passes two out of four subjects. The other two I get half-passes.

My father never gave up on me, so sent me to TAR College to attend tuitions for my STPM resit. Frankly telling you, I gave up on studying. I hated studying. Studying should be fun for me but I did took it more serious this time. I wanted to give something good for my father. In the end, I get the same two passes but with greater grades this time.

After that, my life was totally useless. For one year, I was not doing anything. I wanted to work but my the offers I get was not office jobs, but jobs that finishes at 11.30pm or 12.00pm. Sales person jobs, or cashiers. My father against of me doing these type of jobs. As the time passes by, I realize that I should end up doing something worthful so I thought of becoming a priest since I had this thought before I entered the Form Six. Since I wanted to become a priest, I was looking forward to study in a college, getting a degree so that I would become a better candidate as a seminarian.

At the age of 22, I enrolled into INTI College Malaysia now known as INTI International University College. I chose to do Quanitity Surveying since I like Maths and I have experience in doing free-lance architecture drawing. With the determination of getting a diploma and continue doing degree for the sake of priesthood, I stepped into INTI-UC. I told my priest who actually thought that I could just work for some years instead of going to college to enter seminary that I wanted do this to get a clearer picture of my vocation to priesthood. I said that I needed sometime to gain confidence that I could become a great priest. Entering college would be a good opportunity to do so.

As I was doing my studies in INTI, I had a tough time to get along with subjects. My first semester itself I get a fail in Introduction to Computer subject. I really struggled to get into the momentum of excelling in studies. Though I know that my academic performance is not good, my passion towards other activities never went off. I kept on involving in my church activities, reviving chess club in college and making it to progress into a great club, involving myself in other events, and enjoying my youth. I learned about Counter Strike, handphones, latest trends, words, hand-shaking, yamcha, and lots more. Through my subjects I learned that time is money, how to invest in business, how to think about risking for profit, how to speak confidently, what is the value of money, how to be a leader.

After sometime in INTI, I revived the Catholic Society, which then named as Catholic Students Society. I did it as my another task of my vocation. I tried to form it for three times. My third trial was a lucky shot. I met Alicia, Leo, and Justin Lim on the first day of meeting. Then it grows to a good number. Fr. George visited us once. That was the day, I met this girl. That time she was just another club member for me.

As time passes, I got back into the track. I was able to get to understand what I am studying. I was happy with my CSS friends, the committee. They became a part of my family. At the same time, I was interested in her more and more. I was confused. My plan is getting out of track. I was falling in love to a girl and I wanted to believe that all of those feelings was just an attraction towards her attitudes. I was stubborn to admit that I like her. Time goes by and my stubborness gets weaker. I started to spent sometimes with her, going dinner with her and yet I was confused of my true vocation. Am I called to priesthood or marriage? Another problem is, I am 5 years older than her.

There were sometimes where I wanted to say that I like her, but my responsibity towards CSS stopped me. Being in relationship will divide my time for CSS. I would have to spent time for her which I thought I should not for now. I put the family of CSS before me. Moreover she is young. I already passed her age and enjoyed that age. It is time for her to enjoy this young age. Enjoy her youth. I was taking a risk. A risk of losing her to another guy at anytime.

At my last day in INTI, I really cried for not telling her that I like her. My heart was hurting. I always believe that a man that does not tell his feeling to a girl is a coward. At the end, I too became a coward. That night, I was thinking about my action. Am I doing good for her? Is she a part of my vocation test? Or is she my future? Am I dealing with a 'teenage love' at this age?

Why did I stepped into another track? I was going smoothly on a track before I met her. If just life is so simple for me...

Lonely Snail (CSS)

Once upon a time the snail was lonely,
It had nobody.
All of its own.

The journey made slowly,
Though it was late, it is already on track,
Little by little move, every steps taken forward,
One by one success on the way achieved.

But some of them out of reach,
It is very hurting and the snail must let it go,
Those things must be let to be succeded by someone else,
Now the snail is lonely again